Had I had more sleep, that incident in the library last week could have looked very different. I would have still left feeling Other, Outcast, Less-Than. All those moments leading up to that conversation in the library would have still hit me like a ton o’ bricks, but I would have pushed them away as I usually do, made a joke to my husband or had a chuckle with a friend that evening, and kept moving.
Because I can’t react the way I did last week each time I’m reminded what my skin color means to others. I would be exhausted and pissed all day long, as I was, actually, until Tuesday of this week.
And humor in the face of adversity is a great healer and release from tension. A joke, memes, a good dose of cynicism has it’s place. As a former positive psychologist who researched humor (“humor researcher,” if we’re being causal), I can say that humor is absolutely helpful in maintaining well-being in the face of stressors. But your responses to my post last week were a reminder that we need to move beyond humor, now more than ever. Even if it is exhausting and tiresome and extra work.
This blog and community was born from my desire to move beyond the tired mom meme of “wine-o-clock” that I see constantly on social media. The joke is funny and it has that “we’re in this together, friend” quality. But as I talked about in one of my early posts (You Need To Stop Treating Yo’ Self), after you have a laugh and pour that wine, you need to take another step to address that exhaustion. Make changes to break the cycle of kids/life leaves you exhausted and stressed so you’re waiting for wine time. Go to bed earlier, set some boundaries, workout, meditate, eat better. Treat yourself, yes! I had two PopTarts for breakfast yesterday. And a glass of wine with pizza delivery the night before. But care for yourself too. I also ran 2 miles, ate a bowl of broccoli and rice for lunch, and read myself to sleep.
So I did the extra work last week. In reality, I did it because I didn’t have the humor in me to fortify me and move me forward. I wrote about some of my experiences present and past — trying to leave out buzzwords that are divisive — to help people see what it is like to be in my shoes. And that extra work was met with more readers in one day than this little blog has ever had in a month!
And more importantly, my post resonated with you. And boy was I flooded with your responses! I spent a good part of Friday last week responding to your messages on social media. You showed me empathy. You showed me sympathy. You told me you will rethink how you approach POC with curious and well-meaning questions. You told me that you knew someone who needed to read that post — your friend, your son. And I was blown away.
One of the many replies that really hit me straight in the heart — in a good way — was from a truly well-meaning, curious-about-the-world woman and friend of mine. She returned my post with a vulnerable and honest response of her own. You can read it in the comments section of my last post, It Isn’t Even About That Conversation At The Library. It was a gift to see someone truly hear me, rethink, and share her thought process in such an open way. And gifts like that come from doing the work. They come from moving beyond the meme, the joke, the headline, the troll responses. They come from sharing our stories.
So thank you for reading and sharing and responding to my post last week. As someone who overthinks how to respond to troubling situations to the point of not responding at all, every single one of your thoughtful replies meant the world to me. You did the work too by reaching out back to me. And if even for a brief moment, it changed our thinking, made us feel connected, and that is real positive change. That is breaking a cycle.